Alone on an island

It has been days since my last post. Truth is I have been struggling both emotionally and mentally. We started this blog to bring awareness to everyone about what it’s like to go through infertility so people know how to handle it better. What I didn’t realize is all the emotions it would bring back up talking about our journey. For those of you that didn’t know this we have been on this journey for what is going on four years now. The passages that we have written about thus far happened years ago. So you can imagine after a few years have passed and blocking out some details its hard to revisit things you so desperately wanted to forget or for them to go away but they never truly do. This entry in the blog is different this entry is about now….

I have mentioned before about crying in my car when thinking about not being to have our own biological child but I never expected these feelings to come back up. I thought I had gotten through this part of the grieving process why is it coming back now? It may because I feel alone. Alone in the sense that not many men talk about infertility and when you bring it up they are uncomfortable and change the subject. I think most couples who have gone through infertility would be able to relate to this whether they have support systems or not. There is a sense of isolation with infertility. Like don’t ask don’t tell. That awkward moment when you get asked the question so when are you having little ones? or you know what they say about a new house that means a baby is on the way. If only people knew what that meant to a couple that would want nothing more than the stork to knock on that new door and drop the baby off (That is how it happens right?). There are times when we truly don’t want to talk about it anymore but there are also times when you want people to ask how you’re holding up and for someone to be there when you fall into a pile of mush. When you want someone there to tell you its going to be okay. And since I’m on the subject just from one infertile guy to the world please don’t ever say to a couple that is going through this everything happens for a reason. Probably one of the worst things known to man to say. That is telling them there’s a reason your being punished for not being able to be a parent naturally. I’m not by any means saying you have to walk on egg shells around couples going through this but just think before you speak. You wouldn’t walk up to a patient with cancer and say “Hey man there’s a reason you have cancer would you?” It’s not different; infertility is a sickness, a disease, one they haven’t found a cure for. Did you know that one in eight couples is effected by this? One in eight. Just take a second and think about that. I can guess you know more than eight couples right? So I am begging you world show some compassion before you ask the baby questions as you never know what a couple is going through. I have a friend that won’t tell anyone they are struggling with infertility so she just says we don’t want kids, and that’s fine because its easier for her but imagine the pain that is caused by a simple question. I get it we are human and we make mistakes its going to happen at some point in each of our lives but when you love someone and care for them just realize they are struggling and be there.

There’s no set timeline for grieving infertility like I said I thought I was over this I thought I was stronger but I am not! I am reminded of little things each and every day that I am infertile. It can be in a line at the grocery store when I see a baby in the cart in front of me and can’t help but make faces or wave and play peek a boo. Or When I look out my window and I see the dad down the street riding bikes with his two girls. It can happen at any moment and its never planned. I lost it this week and not just once twice. My timing was incredibly poor because it was my wife’s first week back to school and that in and of itself is emotionally draining, but then you come home to a husband that is in pieces all over the house and its your job to put him back together. It’s exhausting I am sure. She took a vow “In sickness and in health” and she stands by it. She my safety net when I fall behind closed doors. I don’t know what I would do without the support system I have developed over this last month. I have a few co workers that have been calling me this week and I know its because they are aware I’m having a hard time and they will never know what that means to me. Or my closest friend E listening to me vent about any and everything, But the outreach that got me more than anything this week was a friend I haven’t talked to in a while that sends me a message that they are going through the exact same situation. Literally the exact same. She shared such a raw thing with me just to tell me I’m not “Alone on an Island” that they are here for us because they have walked miles in our shoes. She knows what it feels like when the soles wear out but you’re still miles from your destination. She doesn’t know how perfect her timing was for me to get that message or the impact it had on me but I felt for the first time in a long time I had someone who truly understood and it helped me get through the day and pull myself together again. So I hope you’re reading this mystery friend you see the impact you had for reaching out and I hope everyone can take something away from this post to have compassion, be there when someone is hurting, and choose your words wisely. Until next time…..





2 thoughts on “Alone on an island

  1. Steffan, sorry my mention of the “reason” adage upset you. Just know reading your blog is so heartbreaking for those of us who love you and Trenae and I meant that your failing attempts at correcting the fertility problem although devastating, that adopting a child could be a blessing for all three of you. I know of so many adoptive families and love does not discriminate. I am here for both of you and always will be.


    1. I wasn’t talking about you Mom Mom! I know you guys are here for us. the context in which you said it was totally appropriate but you would be shocked at how others have said it and unknowingly that’s why I wanted to share. We love you guys.


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