Bearer of Bad News

Some part of me always knew it was me. I was the one with the problem. I had been engaged before and never had any luck getting pregnant, despite my Roman Catholic mother tossing the rule book out the window and saying basically, “just have a baby now and get married later”…for both engagement numero uno and Steffan. Well, I love my mom, but I’m glad I didn’t listen to her on the first one…not the best match, and he did tell me, “I wasn’t breeder material”…whatever that means. So when Steffan and I met, it was kismet, I guess, looking back now, in more ways than one. We had so much fun together and so many similarities. I knew he was my guy. When the talk of marriage came up, I got this gut wrenching knot in my stomach, because for most guys when they hear, “oh hey, I love you to pieces, but I probably can’t give you a kid,” they walk away. At least that’s been my experience. Little did I know that when I told Steffan, he just kissed me and said, “And?” I was shocked. He was happy with just me. We decided to get married, but we also decided to push forward with fertility testing at the encouragement of a friend. After all, I wasn’t getting any younger and if something was wrong, I’m of the mindset that I’d rather know now than later.

So Steffan starts his part of the testing. Guys face it, you get the fun part. I, however, got the dreaded phone call from our doctor. It was 3:15 on a Tuesday and I hear this voice on the other end of the line say to me, “Your husband has zero viable sperm.” Zero. I sat there stunned for a moment and asked if the test could be wrong and he said no. I thanked him half-heartedly and hung up. I was alone in my classroom and had no one to turn to. I stared at my desk calendar and watched tear drops fall onto the dates: 17th, 24th, etc. until there was a stream of them falling onto dates and meetings. How was I going to tell him? I could handle the burden of it being me, but for me to tell him that it was him now too was a crushing blow to me. I could only imagine how he would take it. He was my rock, and I didn’t want to turn him into sand. I gathered myself and I picked up the phone. The phone call didn’t last long; he said he had to go. It was at that point I knew our relationship was either going to last for eternity or crumble before it ever began.



6 thoughts on “Bearer of Bad News

    1. Thanks for reading. We’re trying to keep this as honest as possible. The good, the bad, and the ugly of this process on each of us as individuals and as a couple so to speak. We hope you’ll keep reading as we explore our story more.


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