Below the Belt

When I met Trenae I knew it was love at first sight and that she was the one I wanted to end up with. She just had this confidence about her that she knew exactly who she was and that was such an endearing quality to me. When things started getting serious we started to talk about what we wanted in life i.e.-wedding styles, children, careers etc. The topic came up about us having children and I could tell Trenae was incredibly nervous and uncomfortable talking about this. Of course for those of you that know me, know that meant I needed to uncover why so I poked and prodded until she told me there is a strong possibility she can’t have children. For most couples this can be a deal breaker, but for some reason it wasn’t for me. I loved her for everything she is, was, will be and it didn’t matter to me that there was a possibility for no children she was enough. Fast forward to a month or two before our wedding. Trenae had an appointment with the OB/GYN and he told her that her endometriosis would improve if she got pregnant. So he gave her a slip for me to have a semen analysis. I remember driving to have the test and feeling confident it was going to show that everything was good and that after we got married we could try for a little one. Until that is I got the panicked phone call from my soon to be bride “Steffan, are you driving? you may want to pull over.” Immediately I began to freak out and go to worse case scenario; school shooting, death in the family, the gamete. She says “the doctor called they have your semen analysis results and there were zero viable sperm.” For the first time in my life I was speechless and believe me when I say it’s rare just ask any one of my family members. I told Trenae I needed to go and I’d call her later. I sat there in my car on the side of the road and went through all sorts of emotions. My first thought was is she still going to want to marry me if I can’t have kids?!? I was okay with that fact that she couldn’t have them but would she feel the same? There is a lot they can do with today’s technology to help a woman get pregnant but an infertile guy… not a whole lot.ย  I finally came to the rationale that it was a mistake and that we would worry about it later so we postponed it to after the wedding. We get marriedย  and our wedding was like out of storybook. Even three years later we still talk about how we wouldn’t change a thing. We decided that after the honeymoon we would explore the fertility thing further. So two days after we got back we had our first appointment at the fertility clinic to discuss our options. They set up a bunch of different appointments; some for her, and some for me. We were perfect patients for IVF on paper that is, and Trenae being a teacher our IVF would be covered with minimal out of pocket expense. Seems pretty easy right wham bam thank you ma’am you are going to have a baby. If only it were that easy…. I went for my “first” semen analysis (because I rationalized that the real first one clearly was a mistake) to make sure my swimmers were strong and healthy. Needless to say there were again zero viable sperm. Now it really starts to set in I will never be able to look at my son or daughter and say he/she has my eyes, my laugh or his/hers mothers smile. It is the worst feeling in the world to know that one of the things you have always wanted in life is no longer a possibility…… at least for the time being.

-Steffan

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19 thoughts on “Below the Belt

  1. While I’ve already heard this part of your story directly, it touches my heart to read it. You are inspiring and brave to share it with the world. I love journaling in my scrapbooks so even I remember how I was feeling about certain events. I’m excited to read your next entry. As always, I am here to listen and love you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You both will be wonderful parents, and it doesn’t make any difference where they come from. From my few talks with you I don’t think you are a particularly organized religion person , but just keep in mind, God has a plan for both of you. That plan may be your own child down the road or an adoptive child that was born to be your child. Excited to follow your story, but I hope it’s a very short story! Bless you both.

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